Flashback Friday: Motherhood

A month or two ago at our family get together we started talking about the old days when we were young. Its interesting to hear the different memories that each of us has. We started hearing about the time when my brother Spencer was six or seven and was left at soccer practice all alone, in the dark. On the way to pick him up my mom got in a fender bender (not her fault I might add). By the time she got to the school no one was there except for Spencer, waiting, crying in the dark. I've heard that story many times but for some reason it made me cry this time around. Maybe its because I have a 7 year old and I can't imagine how I would feel if my son were all alone at a dark school waiting for his mom to pick him up. Thank goodness for cell phones and coaches that don't just pick up and leave the kids at school by themselves anymore.

In that same conversation we started talking about early morning seminary and how my mom and dad had to literally rip the covers off our bodies and yank us out of bed every morning. I figured with five kids and some overlap, there was literally 12 years in a row of early morning seminary for my parents. I asked my mom how that was and she immediately answered, "It was hell." That made me laugh.

Some of my favorite memories of my mom are the couple of times the two of us slept outside together on our cots so we could watch the shooting stars when they were at their peak in August. I appreciate her green salads that she prepared every night for dinner. The luches she made me every day including that ball of popcorn. Since most people got chips in their lunches, my popcorn was a hot commodity during the lunchtime trading sessions. Or how we'd follow a fire truck that had the sirens on just to see where it was headed. Don't worry, we didn't follow too closely. Sometimes I wonder what Ethan will remember about me.

I had a wonderful Mother's Day including a lovely breakfast of french toast and hot chocolate made by Chad and Ethan and then a treasure hunt in search of my Mother's day cards which was really cute. I also got to spend some time with my mom while we ate strawberry shortcake together. It was a lovely day. I feel especially grateful for Ethan on Mother's day. I always make sure to thank him for letting me be a mom. Its because of him that I feel very honored and blessed to be a mother. As we've struggled to have another child I have become especially grateful to be a mom and often wonder how in the world I've been so blessed. Where would I be without my Ethan??

Heard Em Yet?

Chad, Ethan and I have been listening to these guys for the last month. They're awesome. This song is from their recent debut album. The bass player (the one holding the boom box) is one of Chad's mission buddies. They'll be on Leno this Friday. Check em out!

While I Was Away...From Blogging

Stuff. There's always stuff going on. Things that keep me from checking blogs and well, writing in my own blog. I know, I know, I'm a bit of a hit or miss blogger. You'll just have to accept that about me.

One of the most exciting things that happened within the last month and a half was getting new floors in our kitchen/dining. Its been a long time coming and I love it. Although we didn't get off to the best start. Chad and I spent no less than 10 hours scraping that stinkin linoleum off the floor, and were only halfway done when we decided there was no way we had the time or energy to finish scraping. It was CRAZY! It was the biggest waste of time, since we should have just layed the Pergo right over it. People told us different things, some told us to take off the linoleum some told us not to. Now we know, don't ever take off the linoleum. That stuff was literally sealed to the wood.

We were originally going to put the floor in ourselves since we kept hearing how easy it was. After the scraping ordeal we decided we'd just fork out the money to pay a professional to put the floor in. That was the best decision we've ever made. Putting in Pergo flooring isn't as easy as they say, especially if you don't have the tools and especially since we...not so handy. We love our new floor and I spent the next week oogling over it. Love it.

In the way of other highlights this past month (or two): My mom turned the big 7-0 in March. Isn't she cute? Me and my sisters had a little brunch for her birthday and I made her wear this birthday hat. I don't think she'd appreciate me posting this close up of her (she's kinda like that) but since she doesn't read my blog she doesn't have to know. :)
We had our annual Easter egg hunt and Easter dinner together. Please note Ethan's cool Halloween basket for Easter egg hunting.
And of course the cousins had their usual trading fest afterwards.For our Primary quarterly activity we decided to do a humanitarian project by collecting donations for an orphanage in Haiti called the Foyer de Sion. We collected beans, rice and clothing for those children there. It was a really great experience. For the actual activity, our Primary children were able to see video footage from the orphanage, learn a Haitian game from a little girl who was recently adopted from that orphanage and lives here now with her family, eat Haitian food and help box up the donations. It was neat to see the ward come together in this humanitarian effort.

After that activity I noticed that Ethan started praying more for the people in Haiti. I hope all the children who participated were able to see their own blessings and think more of those who aren't as blessed as they are.

I Believe In Miracles

On Thursday evening when I got home from a meeting, Chad relayed a message to me that Courtney had left, telling us that my sister-in-law Kathy had gotten in a car accident, but that she was ok. Keep in mind that I have a sister-in-law named Kathy and her daughter's name is Cassi. You can imagine that this would be very confusing when talking about either one of them on the phone. We tend to spend the first minute of a phone conversation just deciphering who we're talking about. Conversations have been known to go something like this: "Now wait, are you talking about Kathy the mom or Cassi the daughter?" "KaTHY with a K or CaSSI with a C?" (emphasis added) "Wait, KaTHY or Cassandra?" Once we're satisfied about whom we're speaking it is only then that we may move on with the conversation. Its always somewhat humorous.

Anyway, upon hearing the news, I called Courtney to get more details. It was then that I found out that it wasn't KaTHY, but CaSSi who was in the car accident and was air lifted to the hospital and was in critical condition. Cassi was a passenger in her friend Sam's car. As they were making a left hand turn their car was t-boned by another car going 55 miles an hour. Their car was pushed up on its side and Cassi had been knocked unconscious. One of the first people on the scene was an off duty firefighter. The firefighter instructed someone to turn Cassi's head in a way that she wouldn't choke on her own vomit. An action that saved her life. Guess where her vomit ended up? Right on her friend Sam. (Just a fun little fact). While in the car waiting for help Sam couldn't get Cassi to respond so he lifted his hand up and gave her a Priesthood blessing. Another action which I believe saved her life. They had to cut Cassi out of the car and then airlifted her to the hospital. After much testing, they have found that Cassi has bruising on her lungs and some scratches on her legs. The doctors are amazed that those are her only injuries. No internal bleeding. No broken bones. And she's alive! It really is a miracle. She's doing ok. In some pain of course, but they're hoping she can leave the hospital today. Its times like these that I realize how precious life is. Life as I know it can change at any moment and it helps me appreciate all those important people in my life even more.

In the way of other news: My mom's surgery went well and she is recovering splendidly.

Blog Worthy

You know how my mom has colon cancer and had 14 inches of her colon removed in August? After the doctors did a biopsy on the part of the colon that was removed they found cancer in the lymph nodes. It had also metastasized to her liver. That's when they decided to start the six necessary rounds of chemo immediately, which she just finished. Its been an uncertain time for our family and especially for my mom. WELL, after some testing her cancer has officially gone into REMISSION!!! Let me repeat that, its officially GONE, out of her body, see ya later cancer! (I of course know that remission doesn't mean it'll be gone forever, it could come back, but hopefully it won't and if it does I hope it won't be for many years). To hear that the cancer went into remission has been such a relief and I've felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Its a miracle. My mom is a fighter and I admire her strength and positive attitude through this whole ordeal. Even though its technically in remission, she'll be going into surgery on Wednesday to get the part of her liver removed where the cancer was and then she'll have to endure another 6 rounds of chemo. Keep her in your prayers for us.

NOW, in the way of other good news of the much more trivial sort: I'm officially retired from lugging a big ol' bag to church every week. I realize this doesn't seem like a big deal but I know that any mom who has been doing the same thing knows what a dream it is to have free hands and shoulders at church. It started off being a diaper bag but after seven years had morphed into a big bag o' crap filled with activities, snacks and treats to keep Ethan entertained during church. I'm no longer doing it. I am done. And I have to admit, its literally been a huge wait lifted off my shoulder, and my back. My official church bag is....drum roll please...

This pretty little number. It holds those church essentials: mints, lip gloss and keys. Oh, and a couple pieces of candy to use in case Ethan starts getting wiggly. Its a very effective bribing method I like to use. Now Ethan gets to sit there, like a big boy and play tic-tac-toe and hangman like we all used to do during sacrament meeting.

A Not So Sick Day

Ethan had a "sick" day on Monday. Or at least I thought it was. He spent the night before hacking a lot so I just assumed he'd continue doing the same thing. I clued into the fact that he wasn't as sick as I thought (besides the fact that he was barely coughing) when he said more than once, "This is the best day! And mom, its all because of you." We were playing a game of LIFE and he got the chance to switch salary cards with my $100k. He hesitated to trade, "You've made this day so great, I hate to..." But greed got the best of him, he switched salary cards. This kid is easy to please. Wanna know what made him so happy? Buying him a Nintendo DS game and a bag of Reeses Pieces. Ethan has saved his money and has bought himself a Nintendo DS, which we're still waiting to come in the mail. I had to at least buy him a game so he's got something to play when it arrives. As I said, running errands and buying candy for the sick one = A not so sick day. Admittedly it was an enjoyable not-so-sick day for all. Including me since I got out of going to work.

Wanna Ride Our Roller Coaster?

On January 12th we got a very exciting phone call. Our adoption caseworker called and let us know that a birth mom had selected us AND not only that but her due date was March 1st. That was soon! While I was talking to the caseworker I started off thinking, 'Ok, Ok, this is exciting. This is good news,' but as soon as I got off the phone it hit me and I immediately started crying, thinking, 'A birth mom chose us! She chose us, she's not thinking about choosing us, she actually chose us' and I paced about the house. It felt very surreal. In the over 5 years of trying for a baby this was the closest we'd come to actually having another baby. Chad was about to come home from work and I was excited to tell him the news. He was really excited too. We decided to tell Ethan the next day. We weren't sure how he'd react. But when we told him he was super excited. He just had a big smile on his face. Somehow in the caseworker's discussion with the birth mom he had forgotten to ask what the sex of the baby was. We were excited to hear the day after finding out that we were going to have a girl. We'd be happy with either sex, but we were happy it was a girl. Ethan was too. We spent the next couple of weeks thinking of our baby girl, anticipating her arrival, trying to imagine what she would look like. What her name would be. I kept asking Heavenly Father, 'Is this really it? Is this our baby that we've been waiting for?'

The next big step in this process would be when the birth mom flew out here to have the baby. She lives in another state and was planning on staying with someone she knows here for the last month of her pregnancy. Last Tuesday we talked to the caseworker and he told us that the birth mom had changed her mind on flying out here. We figured that meant she wasn't going to give us the baby but we weren't sure. It could have meant she wanted to stay with her other two kids and have the baby there, in her state. Tuesday was a very hard day for me. I knew in my heart that she had changed her mind, and it was painful. I had signed up for ward temple night that night and it was all I could do to muster up the strength and make myself go. I was a complete mess and I know Heavenly Father would have understood if I didn't go. But I felt during such a time, that was the place I needed to be. I parked my car in the temple parking lot, sat there for a few minutes while I tried to pull myself together the best I could. I knew I looked hashed and that everyone could tell I'd been crying but tried to keep my head down as much as possible as I made my way to the dressing room. As I turned the corner to go into the dressing room I ran into a friend of mine in the ward and I immediately burst into tears when I saw her. It was one of those embarrassing raw moments I'd rather not repeat in public (Which is exactly what I did again the next day when I ran into Ethan's teacher and she asked how the adoption was going. Not to mention it was right in front of a bunch of fourth graders - oh well). During the session I felt at peace. Its amazing how the temple can do that. I was able to remember the big picture, helping my problems not seem so big. The next morning was the day we found out she was keeping her baby. We really don't know why or what changed her mind. It was sad to hear her decision but it wasn't a surprise. And there we were, left to change that picture we had of our future. That baby we had started to imagine being in our life was no longer a part of that picture.

I think the hardest part for me was telling Ethan. We planned on telling him after school last Wednesday and then doing something fun together. Just that morning he asked, like he did often, "Is the baby coming in a week?" I responded, "she's coming in a month." I had to leave the room so he wouldn't see me cry. When we told him that afternoon he was definitely disappointed. He expressed his disappointment by saying, "I'm never going to be a brother." And "That mom ruined everything!" The next day after he found out he went up to his teacher and said, "Mrs. H, I need to redo my work because I wrote about the new baby." And then he burst into tears. A little while later he went up to her and said, "I don't know why I cried. I usually don't cry about stuff like that." That's what's been heartbreaking for me. As a mom, you want to shield your child from such disappointments. There have been some good teaching moments where we can reassure him that Heavenly Father loves him and knows what's best for him.

Through this roller coaster ride of emotions, even in the disappointment I haven't felt hopeless as I might have expected I would. Actually, both Chad and I have experienced the opposite. We both feel very hopeful. We know something good will come. We don't know when. We don't know how. But we know something good will come. We believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and we just have to wait patiently to see what's next.