Wanna Ride Our Roller Coaster?

On January 12th we got a very exciting phone call. Our adoption caseworker called and let us know that a birth mom had selected us AND not only that but her due date was March 1st. That was soon! While I was talking to the caseworker I started off thinking, 'Ok, Ok, this is exciting. This is good news,' but as soon as I got off the phone it hit me and I immediately started crying, thinking, 'A birth mom chose us! She chose us, she's not thinking about choosing us, she actually chose us' and I paced about the house. It felt very surreal. In the over 5 years of trying for a baby this was the closest we'd come to actually having another baby. Chad was about to come home from work and I was excited to tell him the news. He was really excited too. We decided to tell Ethan the next day. We weren't sure how he'd react. But when we told him he was super excited. He just had a big smile on his face. Somehow in the caseworker's discussion with the birth mom he had forgotten to ask what the sex of the baby was. We were excited to hear the day after finding out that we were going to have a girl. We'd be happy with either sex, but we were happy it was a girl. Ethan was too. We spent the next couple of weeks thinking of our baby girl, anticipating her arrival, trying to imagine what she would look like. What her name would be. I kept asking Heavenly Father, 'Is this really it? Is this our baby that we've been waiting for?'

The next big step in this process would be when the birth mom flew out here to have the baby. She lives in another state and was planning on staying with someone she knows here for the last month of her pregnancy. Last Tuesday we talked to the caseworker and he told us that the birth mom had changed her mind on flying out here. We figured that meant she wasn't going to give us the baby but we weren't sure. It could have meant she wanted to stay with her other two kids and have the baby there, in her state. Tuesday was a very hard day for me. I knew in my heart that she had changed her mind, and it was painful. I had signed up for ward temple night that night and it was all I could do to muster up the strength and make myself go. I was a complete mess and I know Heavenly Father would have understood if I didn't go. But I felt during such a time, that was the place I needed to be. I parked my car in the temple parking lot, sat there for a few minutes while I tried to pull myself together the best I could. I knew I looked hashed and that everyone could tell I'd been crying but tried to keep my head down as much as possible as I made my way to the dressing room. As I turned the corner to go into the dressing room I ran into a friend of mine in the ward and I immediately burst into tears when I saw her. It was one of those embarrassing raw moments I'd rather not repeat in public (Which is exactly what I did again the next day when I ran into Ethan's teacher and she asked how the adoption was going. Not to mention it was right in front of a bunch of fourth graders - oh well). During the session I felt at peace. Its amazing how the temple can do that. I was able to remember the big picture, helping my problems not seem so big. The next morning was the day we found out she was keeping her baby. We really don't know why or what changed her mind. It was sad to hear her decision but it wasn't a surprise. And there we were, left to change that picture we had of our future. That baby we had started to imagine being in our life was no longer a part of that picture.

I think the hardest part for me was telling Ethan. We planned on telling him after school last Wednesday and then doing something fun together. Just that morning he asked, like he did often, "Is the baby coming in a week?" I responded, "she's coming in a month." I had to leave the room so he wouldn't see me cry. When we told him that afternoon he was definitely disappointed. He expressed his disappointment by saying, "I'm never going to be a brother." And "That mom ruined everything!" The next day after he found out he went up to his teacher and said, "Mrs. H, I need to redo my work because I wrote about the new baby." And then he burst into tears. A little while later he went up to her and said, "I don't know why I cried. I usually don't cry about stuff like that." That's what's been heartbreaking for me. As a mom, you want to shield your child from such disappointments. There have been some good teaching moments where we can reassure him that Heavenly Father loves him and knows what's best for him.

Through this roller coaster ride of emotions, even in the disappointment I haven't felt hopeless as I might have expected I would. Actually, both Chad and I have experienced the opposite. We both feel very hopeful. We know something good will come. We don't know when. We don't know how. But we know something good will come. We believe that Heavenly Father has a plan for our family and we just have to wait patiently to see what's next.